Pay off - why doesn't it pay off

Depression is not an easy word to express, but in terms of loving something really bad and working for it really hard, and thinking about it every day every night, because this thing is really important to you and in the end you find all this in vain! Then the feeling you will get will be more than just depression. Maybe they should have created a word with greater meaning than just depression to describe this case. Because that feeling you get when your work is not appreciated extremely hurts and is the main cause for depression.

“Pay off, pay off it should pay off, what the hell why it didn’t pay off? Did I miss something did I do something wrong I worked really hard on this, I have put my social life aside for this I have cut all my communications lately just to focus on this. I really worked hard on it then why it didn’t pay off, can’t it just pay off.” These sentences I kept repeating to myself when I found nothing does pay off, and It has lead grief to become the closest friend lately, it has isolated me from my social life. When I try to hang out with my friends to cheer up somehow, it ends up with me by leaving after 30 minutes because I can’t stand just sitting there along people that I love and make them unhappy.

Ah let me introduce you to my new best friend “my soul” I don’t know what to do with it I hope it just gets out from this body and find a better place because “my soul” bared many things and it was the only thing I can talk to, and you know it listened and read everything in my mind and it wasn’t annoying for “my soul” because “my soul” is a good one and because it is a good one I just want to leave this dark wrecked body who won’t see sun’s light anymore.

Last paragraph should be as you expect about finding that tiny little hole of light right? What if I didn’t find it what if I can’t search because I’m in the darkest room ever created? What if I’m tired of breaking the walls to find the light each time I am in the same situation? What if I have no energy to break more walls? What if the joy of success that lightened up my room lately suddenly disappeared?  Many questions popping out in your minds and I’m answering it. Yeah I’m hopeless, and depressed, but the one thing other than looking up for light holes that keeps me holding to everything I have in the darkest place  I’m in, is patience.

“If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.” Mahatma Gandhi

 Adel M. Fakhry
Twitter: @MrTrolloly
Wordpress Blog: www.breathingvoucher.wordpress.com
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