Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Under the Yuck: Something Likeable

What the hell was I thinking?  At late middle age, why did I choose to rappel off of cliffs in the Costa Rican rain forest then boulder climb my way out after splashing around in pools of water, frolicking under waterfalls and finding the perfect foothold as I climbed back up the canyon, one step at a time.  I’m thinking:  damn this is fun!
Let’s forget about the fact that halfway up the canyon I shattered my foot and am now facing 2 surgeries and 6 months of rehab with the hope of having an appendage that looks and acts like a foot when all is said and done.  Let’s forget that I have never experienced more than a bruise on this middle aged body.  Let’s forget that I spent the first half of my life living in fear of well, life and making a mistake.
I finally found me underneath a mountain of yuck just a few years ago.  Deeply buried under fear, loss, hurt, and abandonment I existed as a shell.  Forget trusting anyone, I didn’t even trust myself at that point in time.    My super power was pretending that my spirit and soul held strength and confidence.  What a faker!  This existence, not really a life if you think about it, took a tremendous amount of energy to maintain but I did it for decades.  Some days, I even believed the lie I lived myself.
As part of the internal housecleaning a few years back , I tossed away the fear of new experiences and left behind the need to stay within the confines of my tightly controlled life of teaching, reading and writing.  When I moved the yuck away, I found the ability to laugh and the ability to take risks.  Perhaps I went a bit to the extreme for some of my adventures:  running with the bulls in Pamplona and now rappelling hundreds of feet into the rain forest. But I have so many adventures ahead of me and time is of the essence  as the clock to becoming a member of AARP loudly ticks now.   I finally believe the lie I created and now the lie has evolved into reality.  My soul does hold strength and courage after all.
I am going to have months of recovery waiting me after surgery 1 then surgery 2.  During this time, I will crawl back into my safe life of teaching, reading and writing.  But when I can walk again, I’ll be heading to Machu Picchu.  There are more adventures on my bucket list and what I like about me now, is that  fear has loosened its grip on my soul.

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