Let’s forget about the fact that halfway up the canyon I shattered my foot and am now facing 2 surgeries and 6 months of rehab with the hope of having an appendage that looks and acts like a foot when all is said and done. Let’s forget that I have never experienced more than a bruise on this middle aged body. Let’s forget that I spent the first half of my life living in fear of well, life and making a mistake.
I finally found me underneath a mountain of yuck just a few years ago. Deeply buried under fear, loss, hurt, and abandonment I existed as a shell. Forget trusting anyone, I didn’t even trust myself at that point in time. My super power was pretending that my spirit and soul held strength and confidence. What a faker! This existence, not really a life if you think about it, took a tremendous amount of energy to maintain but I did it for decades. Some days, I even believed the lie I lived myself.
As part of the internal housecleaning a few years back , I tossed away the fear of new experiences and left behind the need to stay within the confines of my tightly controlled life of teaching, reading and writing. When I moved the yuck away, I found the ability to laugh and the ability to take risks. Perhaps I went a bit to the extreme for some of my adventures: running with the bulls in Pamplona and now rappelling hundreds of feet into the rain forest. But I have so many adventures ahead of me and time is of the essence as the clock to becoming a member of AARP loudly ticks now. I finally believe the lie I created and now the lie has evolved into reality. My soul does hold strength and courage after all.
I am going to have months of recovery waiting me after surgery 1 then surgery 2. During this time, I will crawl back into my safe life of teaching, reading and writing. But when I can walk again, I’ll be heading to Machu Picchu. There are more adventures on my bucket list and what I like about me now, is that fear has loosened its grip on my soul.
