Why I Write Sex Scenes

My passion for romance novels run deep.

I love to read romance stories with sex scenes that are woven nicely within the plot and played out perfectly by the characters. In the same way, I enjoy writing sex scenes that are real and deepen the relationship between the characters. Writing sex scenes lights a fire in me and gives me a satisfying buzz.

In practical terms, the aim is to write sex scenes that help real life couples learn a thing or two on how to please their partners. Over the years, I have benefited immensely from reading romance novels with various heat levels.

However, it is more important to build an irresistible emotional tension and toe-curling romance between the characters and to develop a gripping plot for the sex scenes to give the added oomph!

Out of my eight published romance books, Stolen Valentine Kiss (Holiday Series #1) is the only title that has no explicit sex scene, but it is rich in clean romantic scenes with captivating emotional tension.

WHERE DO I GET MY IDEAS TO WRITE SEX SCENES?

Do you really want me to answer honestly? Lol!

The sex scenes in my romance novels come from various sources. From reading tons of romance novels to getting first-hand experience from the most loving man I have ever known. The one to whom my heart belongs for a lifetime.

More seriously, writing sex scenes is the most challenging aspect for me. To get the scenes smoking hot, I have to get into the characters head, heart and understand their attitude, personality, disposition, sexual tendencies and the specific situation. Once the atmosphere is fully tense, piping the plot with the appropriate heat level comes easy.

There are some sex scenes I have written that were purely instinctive. In other words, there are no hard or fast rules. The characters, plot, setting, heat level and so on, all drive a great romance story.

Thank you for having me, Siggy. It has been a pleasure to share my thoughts on writing sex scenes with you.

 
Stella Eromonsere-Ajanaku

Flirty & Feisty Romance 

Our promise...is to deliver an intensely emotional experience you'll never forget.

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Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations

Porn...yes, I'm talking porn.
Every adult has seen some form of it - whether it be a movie (bow-chicka-bow-wow), read it (super hot paperbacks) or you see photos in magazines and on the internet. We are all exposed. I'm not just talking about the obvious porn, but photos of overly-half naked men and women posted everywhere in our everyday life. Advertisements are full of them (Calvin Klein ads were famous for it).

You see these images. Now look at your mate. Are you hoping, secretly, they look like that? Are you looking for that special someone with rippling abs? Can you discern fantasy from real life?
You say, of course I can. But can you? How many times do we fantasize about that unrealistic body you wish your special someone had? How many times have I heard that a spouse no longer loves their spouse because they've gained weight?
I'll pick on men first. They're easiest - sorry guys. From the time your hormones kick in you are looking for big boobs, a firm ass, or long legs. Oh, don't forget the long blonde hair. Where does this come from? I could blame it on men's magazines and XXX movies, but its everywhere - TV, movies, billboards. You're bombarded with it. You have to know, we can't compete with that. There are so few women that meet the fantasy, and can keep it. If you find her, she has to grow old at some point. Wrinkles set in, she gains some weight, the boobs are no longer perky and neither is the ass. Your eyes start to wander. Forgetting with these changes comes maturity, she knows you and your quirks, and she still loves you.
OK gals, we're just as bad. We long for that guy with bulging biceps, rippling abs, who can pick us up with ease and carry us off to bed. Its in our magazines, movies, TV and books we read. Men have the same issues we do...they age. The arms aren't as muscular as they once were, the abs turn to a round gut, their hair thins. You eyes wander. This guy has been there through children, illness, and family drama - you sure you want to trade him in?
Let's say you're single and 45 years old or older. You look on the dating websites. What do you see? Exactly what you had. There is only so much botox, lifting and enlarging you can do. You can add plugs, lift weights and lose a few pounds. What do you have? Someone over 45...

Moral of the story? Enjoy our differences from what society tells us is sexy. Individuality is priceless. Growing old gracefully, accepting of body changes, can be sexy. Be confident in who you are. You are beautiful and sexy no matter what age or size. You are handsome and hunky no matter what age or size. The mind is a very sexy organ. Use it more. A good conversation, an intelligent conversation, can be a turn on. Try it.

Linda Bolton

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Has Sex Become Taboo ?

I know you’re asking, “WAH?” but think about this.  How many married over-forty-somethings do you know that say they aren’t having sex?

How many friends do you have married 20+ years and they complain they never have sex with their spouse? I know, I know…stress, kids still living at home, activities and commitments wear us all thin. Those are all great reasons but are you feeling less connected to your spouse? Are all your conversations about the kids, making ends meet and the next disastrous expense you’re about to have to pay for? Has sex become an afterthought? When you finally get a relaxing evening are spending it watching an adult TV show, Chinese delivery and asleep by 10?

I’m not saying this isn’t legit but in the realm of taking care of everyone have you neglected each other? When you get an opportunity to fluff yourself up does your spouse even notice? Have you forgotten what intimacy is? Are there days you wish you had some but your spouse just isn’t on the same wave length? Do you even care anymore?

Life has us putting out own basic physical needs on the back burner.  I’m talking food, shelter and feeling connected to someone. We all want it. No one wants to be truly alone but are there days in house full of people you feel alone? Your spouse is doing their part of the work for the household, i.e. working and bringing home a paycheck, cleaning, cooking, laundry, but you feel disconnected. Has being intimate the last thing you think you have time for?

Now chat with your single forty-something+  friends.  What do they talk about? If they’re in relationships they talk about intimacy. If they aren’t with anyone they’re looking for someone interested in providing it.  Many of the people I’ve talked with mention how they’ve realized how important intimacy and sex are in their relationships. Most are divorced and had lost intimacy with their spouses. A lot of them thought they had hormonal issues or ID and have since discovered this is far from the truth. Not making intimacy and sex a priority caused their lack of desire. Some of them were very surprised to find that 40+ year olds (and 50+) have just as much desire as they did at 30 (hence, 50 is the new 30). For most function isn’t an issue either. 

If sex has become a taboo activity in your home, bring it back! Date night, mini-vacations for just the two of you, and adding toys and flavored lubes can all help bring the spark back.  Remembering what brought you together in the beginning is a good place to start. And never forget to read. I’m not talking Penthouse and Playboy, but blogs or books about intimacy and foreplay. Learn to enjoy one another again. 

Linda Bolton

Linda's first book, a contemporary romance, has a tentative release date of Dec 2012!

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Not just another New Year’s resolution

I recently spent a week in a Migraine Clinic. On admittance, I was asked for my goal of the day. A nurse was going to write it on a whiteboard in my room. Stunned, I thought that was obvious: To be pain-free.

To have a goal is one thing but how to get there is quite another. But like the Chinese saying goes:”Every journey begins with the first step.”

You know what I’m getting at if you’re single and reading this. You have tried for a while on your own or the help of well-meaning friends –if you’re lucky- to find that elusive person. Now you’re curious to get some advice from a pro who has occupied herself with matters of the heart for years. At this time of year you read a lot of about New Year’s Resolutions. Everybody seems to be setting them...(and then forget about them after a while). Have you? Did you set yourself goals for 2012 in other areas of your life? How about your love department?

The goal is obvious: Find a partner in crime (marriage, loving relationship, live –in partner, or just delicious sex. Whatever your target may be: someone to wake up with and spend time with, someone to hold your hand for a while, someone to walk hand in hand with. Like with every goal setting you need a step-by-step plan how to get there. And sometimes it’s baby steps you have to make.

With a gazillion self help-books out there reaching from “Dating for Dummies” to “How to Catch a man and Keep him “you certainly have enough material available to start a proper research into the subject matter to get you on your way. Maybe you have done that already?

In my forties I was in your shoes and faced the same predicament. I was divorced, in a foreign country and had two teenage children which slightly complicated the matter. I don’t want you to do what I did and buy a matchmaking company in order to get access to as many available candidates as possible; or, as one journalist phrased it to my utter embarrassment –and that of my children-“To skim the milk of the cream.”

Yeah, in a way that’s what I wanted in spite of the huge price tag attached to it. But at the time there were very few alternatives for separated or divorced -I like to call them recycled- people in Ireland. Ireland had only just legally gotten the divorce in 1996.

You on the other hand have all these agencies out there to be of your assistance - online or personal. (Yes, the personal ones or matchmakers still exist if you prefer one to one personalized service, if a bit more expensive). The choice is yours.

I had fun running the agency, dealing with people, meeting nice clients, learning about life, myself and my own expectations from life. At the same time, I made money and “Combined business with pleasure” as another cheeky reporter put it. You can do the same when signing up with any of these agencies or several if you must. You will learn about yourself not just about the potential partners. You will grow through the experience, it will make you stronger, a more determined, experienced, savvy person, not a more frustrated one, I hope. You may have to do baby-steps, self-scrutiny being one of them. No, that’s a bigger one.

A motto that I learned from one of my older clients should guide you on this journey or quest: the 3 Ls “Living, laughter and loving.”

If you want to read more of this expert’s advice, get my book Next Time Lucky or what this space.

Siggy Buckley