Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts

Friday, January 27, 2012

Elizabeth and Hazel from Little Rock

 I was 14 when Elizabeth and Hazel were 15 years old.  I lived in Massachusetts and they lived in Little Rock, Arkansas.  But just about everyone in the U.S. got to know Elizabeth and Hazel through a black and white photo by Will Counts that became iconic.  Little Rock was being forced by the federal government to integrate Central High School in 1957.  Nine selected black students tried to go to school that day.
     The photo branded Elizabeth and Hazel -- black Elizabeth as stoic and strong, white Hazel as the ugly personification of racial hatred.  It was a shameful day in American history that has not been forgotten even 50 years later.  The National Guard prevented the nine black students from attending school that day, but Elizabeth's camera-caught "mix of hesitancy and resolve"  lasted a lifetime.
Elizabeth had wanted the advantages of a white high school over a black high school.  In reality, along with the other eight black students, that year was mostly a nightmare of being subjected to daily humiliations dealt by their white classmates.  There were a few exceptions to that, but far too few.  Hazel, although not identified by name in the photo, didn't return to Central.  After suffering through a year, Elizabeth dropped out.
     A newly published book by David Margolik, "Elizabeth and Hazel:  Two Women of Little Rock," documents the rest of the story of these two women about to enter their 70s.  Their stories follow lives that diverged and intersected.  Elizabeth fought depression and suicidal thoughts.  Hazel could not forget the image of her face contorted in rage and hatred in that picture.  About five years later, after having married young and having a couple of children, Hazel called Elizabeth and apologized.  She then embarked on a "life of self-discovery and activism, much of it in the black community."  She atoned for her prejudice any way she could.
     In 1997, Hazel reached out to Elizabeth again.  As they drew closer and became friends and confidantes, they provided a much needed "source of hope and inspiration to a community intent on moving beyond its troubled history."  They posed for newspaper pictures, made joint speaking engagements, and enrolled in a seminar on racial healing.  Even Oprah invited them to appear together on her tv show.  Elizabeth gained strength from her relationship with Hazel, got a job she loved, and set her life on a smoother course.
     Far from being forgotten, the Little Rock nine were often honored.  There were many news stories about them, especially on anniversaries of that 1957 attempt at desegregation.  One of Elizabeth's proudest moments in 1998 was hugging President Clinton after he presented her (and the other eight) with the Congressional Medal of Honor.
After a few years, in little ways, Elizabeth began to sour on reconciliation with Hazel.  By 2000, "quietly, unceremoniously, their great experiment in racial rapprochement was over."  And herein lies the crux of the story.  "As Margolick charts the labyrinthine turns of this complex relationship, and acknowledges the pain that persists between the two women, the fissures and misunderstandings that continue to divide the races are laid bare."
     I didn't learn that my parents were prejudiced until my husband and I adopted a black child.  When I asked my mother why I hadn't known she was prejudiced, she said, "Because I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to pass it on to you and your brother."  When black speakers came to talk to our group of white parents who had adopted black children, almost all of them tried to convince us that, as whites, we had to face the fact that we were prejudiced against our black children.  And, in the mid-70s, black social workers in California stopped trans-racial adoptions dead.  They said that white people were not capable of raising black children.
It's very complicated.
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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Open Adoption

Our First Adoption
My wife and I got married in 1996. About eight years later, we wondered why she had never gotten pregnant.We went to a gynecologist and found out it was impossible for us to conceive naturally. Undaunted, we went down the uncertain road of IVF procedures. Anyone who has been down this road knows how emotional the trip can be—with extremely happy highs and tearful lows, not to mention the agony of giving your wife shots a few times a day.
Feeling frustrated amid our third IVF attempt, we attended a local adoption information meeting. My wife felt we were meant to adopt; I wasn’t so sure. Call me crazy, but as we left that meeting, I saw a rainbow in my rearview mirror. That was my sign, and so our adoption journey began.
We researched adoption programs and agencies. We went to meetings, paid the fees, got our physicals, and completed the paperwork. We were ready to start our family! We finally received a phone call. We met a quiet, pretty young lady. The meeting went smoothly. We really liked the expectant mom but felt like we had botched the interview.
A few days later, we received a second phone call saying that the expectant mom wanted to meet us again. That meeting went fine, and we laughed and cried together. Her reason for getting together was to establish ground rules for an open adoption.
The expectant mom wanted us to send her photos frequently. She was a sweet Christian young lady, and she needed to be sure that she was making the right decision. If all it took to realize our dream was to e-mail some pictures, it was an easy decision for us.
Some people ask us why we said yes to an open adoption. We say, "Why not?" Try to put yourself in the shoes of the birthmother. To say this is a "life-altering" decision is an understatement. As I see it, adoption is an act of love and selflessness for these women. They love their children more than they love themselves. That’s what great mothers do. If we were to ruin that equation by being selfish as adoptive parents, what message would that send to our kids?
Have I told you how wonderful our two daughters are? We adopted our second child through open adoption in 2010 from another special young lady. All that waiting. All those tears. It all was worth it. Our daughters are awesome! Each day we tell them how much we love them and thank God for his gifts. 
The More Love, the Better
Our relationship with each birthfamily is unique. One family calls and visits more often. The other e-mails and sends gifts in the mail. These families have embraced us as parents. They do not intrude. They do not preach to us about how to raise our kids. They simply are happy to be included in the process. One of the grandmothers caught us off guard when she said, "You are like family to us now." Wow! The more love the better!  
The Future 
We are not sure what the future holds. It comes on so fast and can change in many ways. We do hope to stay in touch with our birthfamilies. We want to share birthdays and milestones with them. My personal hope is that, as we get older / they get older, our girls will know and be close to each birthmom. They can be a source of "family", moms and siblings, after we are gone. The more love the better!We will always be indebted to our two birthmothers for entrusting their children to us. And we thank God for our wonderful journey, and we will be sure that our daughters know that He brought us all together.
Our journey continues to evolve. We feel like we expanded our family twofold, and the girls are the benefactors. Can you imagine growing up with four grandmothers? What could be better to a child at Christmas?
Andy McCleaf
A full version of this article is to be printed in an upcoming periodical in 4/2012